Lessons Learned from an Affair – Part 2. Trust your gut feeling, or, I’m a mate and I’m here to betray you.

posted in: Lessons Learned from an Affair


My ex-wife, Sheena, and I used to visit Alan Workman and his second, or was it third wife, every few months. Let’s see… first wife was Lynne.   Lynne was a school friend of Sheena’s and later worked in the same building as Alan & I.   Alan & Lynne married in 1984, one week prior to Sheena and I. Alan was about 32 and Lynne ten years younger.  I always thought their age gap was too big. I’ve since heard of the relationship age rule of thumb – halve your age then add 7. Anything less is too young.   And this rings true to me regarding Alan & Lynne.   They separated about 18 months later.  Interestingly, Lynne hated Alan so much that she has not even told her now-adult children that she has previously been married.

Next partner that I know of is Joan. Alan and Joan were together about 7 years.   I recall Alan boasting to Sheena and I that he walked out because ‘Joan and her kids were always arguing’.   That’s interesting, as we’ll see later .   Alan continued, ‘I sued her for $35,000 I loaned her’.   Another bitter split.   But, Joan and Alan were defacto, not married, although they were together longer than both his marriages combined.

And then there was Rosemary. They were separated less than a year after being married. Rosemary wrote to her friends…


An Update.

To those who came and celebrated our marriage, gave gifts and smiled with such pleasure, you were probably surprised when I informed you of our separation in April this year.

We will divorce in April next year.

He loves someone else and always has….she also came to the wedding.

Guess I should have been more careful with invitations it seems!


Rosemary was furious with the betrayal by Alan and the betrayal by Sheena, someone who was a close friend. Rosemary’s elderly mother was very succinct. “Alan. You’re a rat”.   Imagine an elderly woman, who doesn’t swear, furious at this betrayal of her daughter. In this context, “You’re a rat” is scathing.   Rosemary used to say to Sheena and I, “You are the only couple we have as friends. All our other friends are single and mine. You are the only friends Alan has”.   Typically we’d go out to dinner, visit their home, or see a movie.    

Inevitably, I would not have a good time.   I had recently overcome depression and was on my way to discover peace of mind.   My attitudes and values had changed.    Alan was  still “good ol’ Al”. Just like the old days. Smiling while insulting someone. Saying things that others wouldn’t get away with.   That’s why his nickname was “Mad Dog” – always doing the shocking and unexpected.    I certainly did not like the way Alan would insult Rosemary’s young daughter (let’s call her Etta, then aged about 10 yo), calling her a ‘wilderbeast’ and other variants meaning fat pig.   I used to speak with Etta about her karate practice or school and try to re-direct the conversation. To my eternal regret, I did not stand up or speak up against what Alan did. You know, the ‘only joking’ scenario.   So how did Etta go after her mother’s divorce from Alan? Rosemary explains….


The fall out for me has been my kids, especially Etta who is just feral. I hardly ever have contact with her and if I ever mention Alan’s name she nearly goes berserk.


Wow.   Aside from his insulting of Etta, Sheena and I saw how Alan manipulated Rosemary. During our drive home, we’d discuss how Alan had constantly insulted Rosemary, and how she would do anything that Alan asked of her. She even told me stories about how Alan had bought her some wrestling gear so they could engage in his aggressive fetish with women.

My gut told me to leave this friendship with Alan. Yet, I didn’t. Soon enough Rosemary would be on the phone saying that Alan wanted us to go out again.

If we visited their house, somehow, Rosemary and I would end up in conversation in front of the tv while Alan and Sheena would be quietly chatting on the other side of the room.   On the way home, I’d say, “Alan seems to have the hots for you”.   Sheena would dismiss my argument as me paranoid. My gut feeling was strong.  As I trusted Sheena, I did nothing more. 

Alan wanted us all to go to France on a cycling tour. That was too much for me. My gut told me it was his way of getting  closer to Sheena. Alan would send Sheena letters and brochures. My response – “No chance France”.

One day we were leaving their home, and they walked out together holding hands!   I asked Sheena what that was about. She replied, they were just messing about. “It was nothing”.  Still, I trusted Sheena and did nothing more about it.

Alan often invited my daughters to stay at his home by the beach. My gut feeling was so strong that something was wrong, I would not let them.   But Sheena took one of my daughters and a friend and let them stay there.  But still I was too timid to break off our friendship with Alan.   Later, I heard that my daughter’s friend saw an “NQR moment” –  Nothing exactly wrong, just Not Quite Right! Alan and Sheena just a little too close, and a quiet whispering between them.

When Sheena and I were on the rocks, we had an agreement not to tell anyone of our troubles. We’d sort out the details of our imminent separation and then make an announcement. Along the way, Sheena suggested that I should have some to talk to. Someone independent. She suggested Alan Workman.  I said, “NO”.

And then Sheena suggested we have one last holiday together before we split.   I agreed.  But then she told me it was all arranged. Alan and Rosemary were holidaying at Rutherglen and attending a Chrismas in July at a winery. I said, “NO”.  Sheena said they had already paid for us. I repeatedly said, “NO”. Sheena persisted.  ‘They’ve already paid, we have to go’. I relented.

In the week leading to our holiday, Sheena and I had gotten on well. We’d been intimate, and I wondered if there was a chance of re-building our relationship. My gut feeling was warning me, but my logic was that nobody knew of our troubles, so we could work on it in confidence.  

But here’s what their email tells me was going on behind the scenes…   (the “RL” they refer to is me)

6 weeks before our Rutherglen holiday, when I was told that Alan had already paid for our room, he wrote this to Sheena. “What are you doing for the long weekend?  Want to visit?”   “Have you spoken to RL re Rutherglen?  We need to finalise shortly.”

Sheena’s reply. Would love to visit on long weekend but dont know about RL.  I am working all day Monday.  I was going to ask you guys up for a visit to see the dog for Etta, but that excuse has gone now.  I will speak to RL about Rutherglen and let you know.  May have to wait until then to see you.

Alan replies.  Speak to RL about Rutherglen and we can sort it out.

On another email he writes, Re Rutherglen, I will leave as planned.  Will leave it  up to RL to change anything.  No news is good news. 

To which Sheena replies, He seems fine with Rutherglen at the moment, changes like the wind. Hopefully we can all have an enjoyable time together for the last time.  : ))))

Alan sounds happy. I will ring later re Rutherglen.  Seems as though off we go xxxxx

Remember, I had been told that the trip had been arranged AND paid for. I was supposedly in debt.   But Sheena was happy too. Her email  to Alan continues  …… drive 15 minutes down the freeway and come and see me. : )))))   I could buy you coffee and we could  discuss Rutherglen, and I could give you a big hug.  Now isn’t that the best offer you have had today!!!!

And she finishes her email with, Thinking of you. mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxRutherglen only 10 sleepsxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

During this time, Rosemary’s sister, Cathy, was dying of cancer.   I met her at Alan’s small birthday party. She looked gorgeous in a blue dress with a stylish wig.   However she looked quite frightened when Mad Dog Alan stood behind her and threatened to remove her wig. Once again, I didn’t speak up, and I felt ashamed.

When Alan was giving his birthday speech, he was giving thanks to the people in attendance. There was about a dozen of us. My family made up 4 of them. And when Alan spoke about my daughters saying, “I love these girls”, I shivered in horror.  And although I refused permission to have them stay at “Alan’s home by the beach”, in hindsight that wasn’t enough, especially when Sheena would take them herself.

But although Cathy was dying Alan’s primary thought was not about supporting his upset wife, Rosemary, or her dying sister, Cathy, it was simply about getting Sheena to Rutherglen. Referring to his wife he writes, Battler on way home from work.  Nothing further re Cathy.  That is about it.  However, it all changes very quickly and without much notice. Prob the reason I have gone off wine for the time being.  hate to settle down to a glass and then get a call and off to hospital.  rutherglen will be the exception but I will dirve and wish to keep sober so that I can look aftter you xxxxx


Now I wonder what he means by keeping sober to look after my wife?   Maybe Alan’s next email gives some clues…

Rutherglen will be fun.  I see it was -7dg there yesterday morning (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Ice cubes and toes.  Imagine a hot day and me running an ice cube over your stomach xxxxxxx

Gym tonight to work on,my back muscles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx yum xxxxxxxxxxxx

Love the thought of you hovering over me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mwaaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx you



So, despite our intimate week leading up to our departure, we got to Rutherglen and , once we arrived at Rutherglen she was as cold as the ice was outside.   At one stage, Alan and Sheena went for a walk without Rosemary or I.  I wonder what was on their mind?   Alan’s email may give a clue.   You have driven me mad with the pic of the SP thong!!!  You have the cutest butt.  I hope it can withstand my exploration activities I have planned for it xxxx

And later….

Nice pic you sent me from Rutherglen.  Much prefer raspberry sp.  Oh yes!!!!

mwaaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


And later…yes, she did change her underwear to the raspberry color Alan had requested.

Rasb G completely made my day 🙂 God what a wonderful butt you have!!!!!!!  Am looking forward with much glee and anticipation to exploring it in some detail 🙂  God yes!!!!!


To which Sheena replied…

Sorry about the distractions.   I don’t want the hospital to have a fatal floor (sic-  flaw) in their computer system because i sent you a picture of my butt and you missed that one important factor of the program.  I could not live with myself.  :  ))))  Will keep distracting you if I can xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And it continued, and continued……


My gut feeling during these times was not paranoia. Nor was it jealousy.  People who operate on those levels create problems rather than remove them.   However,  if you smell smoke……   And the evidence proved there was a roaring fire!

Next in the series, part 3…the similarity between paedophiles and Alan Workman.

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