You are currently browsing posts tagged ‘depression’

Live outside the Matrix

posted in: depression, Imagination (Tags: , , , , , , ) - No Comments

Have you seen the movie, The Matrix?  If you haven’t,  I urge you to do so. I’m not a big sci-fi fan, but I loved this movie.  

Billions of people roaming through life as best they know it. For Mr Anderson, aka Neo, life is missing something. Without  fulfilment, acceptance, control and energy,  Neo delves into his one passion,  which links him to new acquaintances.   For so much of the story, Neo is looking for answers.

During his journey Neo begins to recognise his inherent talent. He has hope, which quickly fades as his questions are unanswered. His belief begins to waver.  At the point where Neo is most in need of his amazing talent, he is ambushed and is suddenly shot. This analogy is so similar to the spirit of people who suffer from depression. Glimpses of hope. Recognition of talent and passion. Looking for answers. Often their spirit is ambushed….and in its weakened state spirit is easy to kill off.   A man with no spirit is quickly fading, not vitally thriving. All that survives is a faint glimmer of hope.

At his moment of ultimate darkness, Neo returns to life. The most infinitesimal illumination is brightest in a dark room. Having hit rock bottom, he can drop no further. His resurrection is wonderfully sudden. As quickly as he was shot down, he is able to rise….but with the benefit of his journey, he now sees the answer.  He could not have arrived at this point without his failures to learn from.  Nature is an amazing thing. Mistakes and challenges lead to advancement, fulfillment, control, acceptance and safety. Experience leads to growth….sudden growth.

A question can be answered in a few seconds. If that answer resonates with you, your change can be that sudden…a few seconds.    Just look how quickly your mood can change when somebody dangerously cuts you off on the freeway, or, when you get promoted.   It’s the same to escape  depression.    The moment of change can be sudden.    Your career may take some years, but the promotion is simply a moment in time. Your drive may be just a few kilometres, but being cut off takes just a moment.    Your life has taken many years to reach its current point and along the way, there has been many ‘moments’.  You will be reading this for a reason, so you will be looking for your moment, your answer.

For me, I escaped depression in under one hour. Firstly, one simple phrase was the answer I was looking for. Secondly, a trip to the library to research my new understanding was enough to lift weights from my shoulders that I’d been carrying for years. I saw the world in a whole new way, recognising systems, signs, and symptoms.

But knowing the answer is not enough for lasting fulfillment. Neo, and I, had to apply these new insights. Knowing the answer can help you escape from depression.  It is the application of knowledge that is the ultimate transformation.    

 I see people time and time again who say to me, ‘Yes, I know that’. They know it intellectually, but they certainly do not apply what they know.   The word “but” is used a lot. ‘ I know it, but…’   The answer must be lived, not filed.   You can be a beacon of inspiration by doing no more than your daily routine, and yes, it must be a different routine than what you have now.

Neo coupled his new knowledge with application and conquered The Matrix.   His results were astonishing….like yours will be.  

If you think you’re stuck with depression, think again. Discover Peace of Mind.

Happy new year,

Rodney Lovell

Who Controls YOUR Mind?

posted in: General (Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ) - No Comments

Who controls your mind?   Before you read on… Stop, think.   What is your answer?  

Recently I attended a seminar by a world leader in self-development who thundered,  ‘You control your own mind. Go and live the life of your dreams’.   Hundereds of thousands of people attend courses like his all over the world. “Take control of your mind” is a message that is repeated over and over and over again.

Yet, we DO NOT fully control our own mind. To be told we can is wrong.   Many people leave self development courses inspired, excited and  motivated but then ultimately become disillusioned when it seems the message is for everyone but them. 

There are parts of ourselves that we can’t control at all.   Try, by using your mind, to control your blood flow or any internal part of yourself. Go on, think positively. You can do it. Control your mind, control your blood flow. 

Sorry, that can’t be done. Nature handles that part of us.

Other parts of us can be fully controlled for long periods of time. Try gently rubbing your hands together. Think clearly, keep touching.

Yes, that is much easier.

Some parts of us can be controlled for short periods of time.   Blow out all your breath. Now hold your breath. Concentrate. Try harder.   Ok, how about breathing in first. Take a deep breath in and hold.   That should help you along a little more, until the inevitable. Gasp, gasp. Nature takes over.

But what about your mind? Can you control it or not?    Clearly, we can’t control all aspects of our body. In time, we even stop doing something as simple as gently rubbing our hands together.   In simplistic terms our mind is no different to any other part of our body.   So it is puzzling that  many experts often incorrectly state that you can ‘control your own mind’.  Try doing anything indefinitely. It can’t be done, no matter how you control your mind.   There are limits. They exclaim, ‘You can be, do and have anything you want’ ….Or can you, if there are limits?

Think of a child learning to swim.   In water, a baby has an instinctual survival mechanism that copes better than a toddler.   Not infallible, but definitely a little better. As the child gets older, he either splashes and gasps, or, learns to breathe in when his head is tilted to the side. He breathes out when his face is back in the water.    To do this takes concentration and he learns in steps.  He has to consciously bring the unconscious act of  breathing into his consciousness.  Step 1, stand in the shallow end, put your face in the water and blow bubbles.   Over time, he adds kicks and swimming strokes and so the modulated breathing becomes easie. But if he gets his timing or thoughts wrong, he may cough and splutter when he takes in a mouthful of water. When the swimming technique is mastered, a swimmer can breath normally in or out of the water without conscious thought. The change between breathing pool side and after diving into the water is handled at an unconscious level.  

What was an unconscious act was brought into consciousness, mastered, and then returned to the unconscious.

When we are young, we believe in all sorts of myths.   Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Monsters, our parents always being right. Over time we get rid of these myths from our beliefs. Well, most of them. Some, like our parents being right, tend to hand around a little longer, and then other myths get added. Usually to our own detriment. Not many people believe empowering myths. They always seem to be disempowering and depressive. These myths are the foundation of what we build our lives on.   

After attending a motivational seminar, it doesn’t really matter what you try to do if you have faulty foundations.   And believe it or not, nature does give you a purposeful flaw.   There is no way anybody can avoid nature’s flaw. The difference is in how we handle it. Most people handle it by good luck, not good management.

The average man and woman drifts through life living whatever life they find themselves in. There is nothing inherantly wrong with this. They work, struggle, make do, celebrate, commiserate.   Often, they have unfulfilled dreams but when trapped in the daily grind they have no energy to create their goals. But that is where people with depression have an advantage.

Depressed people are generally not much different to the average man and woman.   Many depressed people can mask their unhappiness and live reasonably normal lives, which indicates that the depth to their depressed feelings is the only difference. People with deeper depression find it difficult to function on a daily basis. Again, they are not much different to the average person. It is simply a deeper feeling of depression.   Depression is a feeling. Feelings influence your thoughts, your mind.   So why do depressed people have an advantage?

Often the absolute pain of depression drives a person to desperate extreme action. Some scream, “I’ve had enough” and fight and cause pain to others. Some scream, “I’ve had enough” and take their own life. These people, generally, want to change how they feel, but they refuse to see any need for them to change anything.   They become master justifiers waiting for a magic wand to change everything.    But others scream, “I’ve had enough” and use the pain as a ‘negative motivator’ to springboard out of depression and create their goal.   In this last instance, inevitably, they have an open mind.   The resignation of hitting rock bottom, where they will do and try anything is the type of open mind many seek through meditation. They are propelled to a level that that the average person is not.

The next time someone approaches you in anger, note that your automatic reaction will not be a happy one.  You will have some sort of defensive feeling, fight or flight.  Conversely, note when someone approaches you in a friendly, happy manner. You are likely to smile back. Or at the very least you will not be so defensive as in the first example.   You are not controlling your mind in either of these examples.  However just like a swimmer’s breathing, you could, for example, train yourself to smile at everyone who smiles at you.  What is an unconscious act can be brought into consciousness, mastered, and then returned to the unconscious.

That is one of the keys to overcoming depression…  Or any other unproductive symptom in your life. Unconscious acts and thoughts need to be brought into consciousness, dissected, practised, mastered and then returned to the subconscious.

If you always fully controlled your own mind, when did you start? When you were old enough to drive? Maybe when you started school? How about when began to talk?   Or maybe when you went to one of those get-rich-quick seminars.   When did you first control your mind?

You don’t have to have depression to learn the powerful system that nature has provided for us. Anybody can learn about nature’s intentional flaw. Yes, it causes depression.   But the same flaw that leads to depression also branches out and leads us to find love and relationships!   The same flaw is what drives our need for fulfillment….and our search to DISCOVER PEACE OF MIND.

Rodney Lovell

Mythbusters – The Myth of Tough Men

posted in: General (Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ) - No Comments

Hands up, all those people who know somebody who is perfect. If you have your hand up, who are you referring to?   On the flipside, who is referring to you. Nobody, right?   So…nobody is saying that you are perfect. Do you think you are perfect?   You may be good, bad or otherwise, but  are you perfect? No.

Alright, we agree, nobody is perfect.

Excuses…there can be a million of them.  Hands up all those people who make excuses to justify the things they do, what they own, how they look and the things they want to avoid.   Unless you live in denial, you have agreed that you are not perfect, and, you make excuses.

Sometimes, those excuses are valid reasons and sometimes cheap excuses that don’t quite make logical sense. No matter what some may say, we all do both.

Which brings me to one of our communities biggest myths of all time. Perpetuated over many years and reinforced by men who hide.

The myth is“It is not masculine to seek help for mens problems, particularly health issues.”

Without realising it, many men believe this myth. Logically, it does not make sense to keep a problem simply to avoid getting help. Yet, when men are faced with their own personal situation for which they may need help, they make excuses to avoid being helped! 

I know men whose family beg them to give up smoking. Yet, the men say it is not a problem. If your family is genuinely begging you for anything, you have a problem.

Plenty of men wont have a health check.   “There is nothing wrong with me”, they proudly say. Ok, so get checked. Find out just how good you are – it shouldn’t be a problem.

Other men are scared of needles, waiting rooms, the doctor’s latex gloves, and sometimes even the potential results. Most are scared of what their friends may say.

I knew of a man who wouldn’t get tested for a suspicious bump because he didn’t want to have cancer. His delay allowed the cancer to worsen. Another man had a severe burn. Not getting it seen to resulted in an amputation.   A former champion sportsman began to drink and smoke because his ‘friends did it’.   He was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and gave up drinking and smoking for just one day. He wanted to continue to fit in with his friends. Too many men have depression, anger and family problems yet are not responsible enough to seek assistance.   One man even said he preferred an alcoholic haze to a depressive one, so added alcoholism to his problems.  I’ve heard a lot of excuses. Most relate to denial, “I dont….”; “I don’t need to….”   They sound like little children.   If we are not perfect, it sometimes helps to logically consider another persons opinion.

Some men will read this article and try to pick it apart….”What about women”, or, they will simply insult me, or, go to the extreme trying to twist my words that if you have a little cut on your finger I’m telling you to see a doctor.   They are the men with something to hide. Somethings to be scared of.  

 If you have a problem, get out of your comfort zone and seek assistance.   If you can’t even out of your comfort zone that itself is a sign you need help.

I include CEO’s of multi-nationials, labourers on work sites, sportsmen, artists, the unemployed.   What your vocation is and how good you are at does not prevent you from having a personal problem.

True courage is defying common opinion and I’m waiting to see who can stand up for their responsibility, to face down friends who may ridicule them, to defy the myth of men not seeking assisitance.

Some men simply think that toughness and courage is fighting or hitting. Some men deny their emotions and yell in anger. Yet fighting and yelling ARE displays of emotion, just not in a helpful way.

I once fell for the myth. I did things of which I am not proud. Yet I always saw myself as a normal guy, trying hard to get ahead in life, to provide for my family.   The greatest thing I ever did was to begin the process to Discover Peace of Mind. It took me a long, long time.  Putting what I learnt in to a system format  allows you to stop smoking in under two hours or Discover Peace of Mind in 3 days or less.

I’m not here to knock men. I’m here to point out the stupidity of following a common myth.

Whatever your problem is, take action, show true courage and toughness,  get some assistance. Defy the myth.

Rodney Lovell

White Wreath Day, May 29, in rememberance of victims of suicide.

posted in: depression, Suicide (Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ) - 2 Comments

My brother and I used to play junior Aussie rules football with Paul Hester at South Belgrave. Paul was a funny guy who once tried to kiss one of the opposition players! That certainly made the opposition forget about the chasing ball, while they tried to ‘take out’ Paul whenever he got the ball.   Paul got the ball often. He was a very good player.   He played in the centre and became captain of our team.   

With interest, we watched from afar as he went on to become famous as a drummer for Split Enz and Crowded House.  Paul was our opportunity to name drop.   “See the drummer? That’s Paul Hester…used to play footy with him”.

It was incredible to hear the news that day when he ended his life.   Being in this line of business I took an extra interest.   Outsiders like me don’t see the inner turmoil that is revealed only to those closest. The news carried stories from his loved ones and closest friends how Paul was often depressed yet was also so upbeat.   It is no revelation that those who laugh most often mask pain.

Paul’s diary extracts from when he was 8 were interesting. Not wanting to be in trouble, but to become famous amongst other things.   Despite our parents best endeavours, most of our troubled adult years have their roots in childhood.   We simply build on faulty foundations.

Paul’s life illustrates that fame, fortune and finding your goals are not a prevention against depression. Depression has it’s roots in our “Identity-Impression State”, which is a step beyond self esteem and way out of our conscious mind. It is as natural as breathing, and like breathing can be modulated. Think of a swimmer modulating their breathing to produce a great result. They can’t stop their breathing but they can have it assist them.

The Identity-Impression State is created by the “Identity-Impression Dynamic”, a natural process that begins at birth.   It is nature’s way of creating a flaw in each of us. This flaw leads to many outcomes among which are depression, and  how we attract a partner.   The Identity-Impression Dynamic” is too detailed to discuss in this post, and is covered in full at my 3 day Discover Peace of Mind workshop.

White Wreath Day is our day to remember those like Paul who were yet to Discover Peace of Mind.   Many men and women have mild depression or similar symptoms yet refuse to seek treatment. One man I know of says he regularly ‘gets depressed’ but ‘doesn’t have depression’.   It’s like binge drinkers saying they drink a lot but they are not alcoholics. They may not be full alcoholics but are in fact a variation of it – they are ‘social alcoholics’.   My car isn’t broken down but it does cough and splutter a lot. Should I get it seen to? Of course.   Anything less and I’d be in denial.

And like  a car coughing and spluttering, the breakdown can be sudden. So if your motor isn’t running smoothly, don’t fall for the old myth of ‘toughing it out’. That is one of the all time great pieces of rubbish.   I should know. I fell for it once.

There are various activities to commemorate White Wreath Day.   See for details.

And so I will remember Paul…and Fiona….and Ross, and think of their families.


Rodney Lovell

Paradox – The Universe’s Secret

posted in: General (Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ) - Comments Off on Paradox – The Universe’s Secret

Once upon a time, I didn’t even know what the word, “Paradox” meant.   Once upon a time, I also didn’t think that humans were governed by the laws of nature, also known as, “The Universal Laws”.

During my journey to Discover Peace of Mind, I read Emerson’s Essay titled Compensation.   It reminds me a little bit of an early version of “The Secret”.   Basically, Emerson says that all positves have a negative and all negatives must have a positive balance. Yin and Yang; Positive and Negative. Whatever you like to call it, there is two sides to everything.

Some of my client’s greatest breakthroughs come when they realise this simple fact.   Embrace the negative, for within its crusty shell lies a pearl of wisdom waiting to be discovered.   

Loving parents everywhere urge their children, “Be careful, don’t hurt yourself”.   Yet if that lesson is well learned, what will that child do as a young adult?   Be careful!   When a young adult, the very same parents may urge, “try something new, live a new experience”. However, the initial lesson has been well absorbed. it is now stored in the warehouse of the mind.   And so the young adult may continue through life, challenged that whenever they want to begin something new they procrastinate instead. The pull of chasing a goal is strong, yet the need for safety, to be careful, overrides.

An achieved goal can lead to fulfillment. Being careful (safety) leads to frustration, anger, depression and other negative symptoms.

Two of our most basic needs are the need to feel fulfilled and the need for safety.   Life’s paradox in action!   Fulfillment rarely comes without risk, and ‘comfort zone’ safety rarely comes without frustration.

Unfortunately many adults have partners who are like the ‘Be Careful’ parent.   While the ‘Be Careful’ partner seems happy, well adjusted, in control of life, the other, who is being careful, becomes depressed because they are not allowed to explore, to attempt new things. Their fulfillment is being stifled.   Paradox in action.   And society looks at the depressed person as the one having the problem!

Too many adults have learned the ‘Be Careful’ lesson too well, becoming frustrated, angry, depressed.  As adults, we need to take a lesson from the naturally curious state of a developing child, combined with, a better lesson from the loving parent.   A child doesn’t stay within it’s comfort zone. It explores, it tests itself, it learns, it falls, it cries, it smiles.   And the knowing parent says, “You can explore. I will be here as a safe place for you to return to”.   

Exploring the world and testing yourself can feel risky, but adds to your level of fulfillment.   Adding another person to the equation, your partner, is where things seem complicated.   If both Discover Peace of Mind, free from fear, both will support the other and you will each explore your interests.   Separately exploring together – life’s paradox. A universal secret.

Rodney Lovell

The Biggest Winners and The Biggest Losers

posted in: General (Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ) - 1 Comment

Wow!   Imagine being so focussed that you could lose half your body weight.

Of course, you would have to be grossly overweight to make that feasible in the first place.  I would look pretty silly walking around at 45kg.   But if I was 167kg and dropped to 80kg then that is a little bit different.   And that’s what the winner of The Biggest Loser achieved.

Bob Herdsman is no dummy.  A former policeman, now a business owner, Bob seems a very laid back, calm sort of guy.   Yet he had allowed himself to balloon out to 167kg. However, over the course of four months, he changed his lifestyle and changed his life….actually, he saved his life.

There are not too many heavily obese older people in our society. Often, obesity is a trigger for cardiac arrest and it’s the overweight people who drag the average life expectancy figure lower.   At 57, Bob was the show’s oldest contestant.   He admitted he wasn’t overly strong or naturally athletic, but Bob persisted and outshone the smaller, faster, younger, stronger opposition.

At this point, some will say, “But Bob must have….” and slip in some sort of justification.  So let’s look at the second place winner.

Bob’s daughter in law Tiffany, a young mother started herBiggest Loser  journey at a sluggish 113kg. Her effort sees her now at a vibrant 59kg.   Bob and Tiffany spent a large portion of the show at separate training locations.   Tiffany contrasts Bob perfectly, nearly eliminating the “Yes, but” that is often heard from outsiders commenting when someone significantly achieves.

Even with the across the board results of all contestants demonstrating this proven method of weight loss, people still criticize. “Yes, but it is unrealistic to train that much”.   Yes it is, but do you train at all?  
“Yes, but they will have flabby skin.”   Some may, some may not. And,they had flabby skin anyway, it was being stretched by all that fat.
And as the channel 9 Today show host asked Tiffany, ”Yes, but do you feel deprived not being able to have a Tim Tam?”   The inbuilt supposition is you ARE deprived if you can’t eat a chocolate biscuit.

People will clutch at anything to criticise achievement, even in an innocuous, questioning way.   These people are the biggest losers.

And as a society we ‘absorb’ that knowledge, that if we do succeed we are open to criticism.   This is in stark contrast to our inherent, basic need for love and acceptance.   It is this contrast that, unconsciously, stops people from achieving their goals.  Our inbuilt ‘auto pilot’ says, “If I succeed I will be criticised.”  

To overcome this self sabotage requires immense focus.   Bob & Tiffany used a personal coach to help them focus and breakthrough their barriers. Another method is simple guided hypnotic visualisation.   My own craving for choc-mint biscuits disappeared instantly using this method. Also, try modelling the actions of people who have achieved the results you are looking for.

 To be the biggest winners, to achieve their goals and discover peace of mind, Bob and Tiffany are classic examples of everything that is required.   Seek a coach, focus, take action and persist in doing new things.

Wow! Imagine achieving all that you want.

Rodney Lovell

Save our planet? We can’t even save our streets.

posted in: General (Tags: , , , , , , , ) - No Comments

Over the past two years, I’ve lived in, worked at or visited Afghanistan, United Arab Emirates, Singapore, Phillipines, Malaysia, Indonesia, Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane.   The one thing that stands out in each is the amount of litter, either large, little or inappropriate.

The Kabul River in Afghanistan is a tragic sight as it trickles through the summer months.  Daily, it is filled with rubbish thrown in  by riverside markets sellers.  Beginning in the mountains west of Kabul it thunders during the winter travellling west into Pakistan.   It is a source of irrigation and life, yet also germs and disease.

In western civilisaton, we are fortuante to have rubbish collections, and public rubbish bins.   Our cities are reasonably clean.   So it is entirely unnecessary to litter….anywhere.   

If you want to see an example of ‘Justification‘ in action, speak to a litterer.  

In a forest area, a man threw fruit away.  It was unsightly sitting in an open area.  He justified it as ‘returning to earth’ and ‘feeding the animals’.   Sorry mate, that’s called littering….and he did it in front of his young son.

On trains I’ve heard, “Well, everybody else does it”.   There are numerous bins at railway stations.

In picture theatres a bin is at the door on the way out, yet the theatre often looks like a tip by the end of the show.

Cigarette butts are everywhere. “It’s only small”, and, “There’s no bin handy” are two excuses that come to mind.   However, if the smoker can carry a full length cigarette in a packet, why can’t they carry a tiny butt with them?

Fast food restaurants….”Leave it for the cleaners”.   The consumer carried a full tray to their table and can’t carry less back to the bin.

And in our streets and rivers, an array of rubbish collected by street cleaners and floating river booms.   Save our planet? We can’t even save our streets.

Why do people litter when as a society we know better?   My view is it is often a rule-breaking look-at-me act, often carried out in the company of others.   It is also a sign of a person who cannot, will not, or does not accept responsiblity for their own actions.   A good question to ask them  is, “Where else in your life do you not accept responsibility?”   Failing to accept personal responsibility coupled with justification, whatever the reason,  is a classic sign of someone who is at risk of depression, and has yet to Discover Peace of Mind.

I doubt that we’ll ever get to the unfortunate situation of the Kabul River, but, it would be nice if our streets were a little cleaner.

Rodney Lovell

If you think you’re stuck with depression, think again!

posted in: depression, Hot Tips and Good Value (Tags: , , , , , , ) - Comments Off on If you think you’re stuck with depression, think again!

If you think you’re stuck with depression think again. for the adventure of a lifetime.

Make sure you claim your FREE ebooks – THINK AND GROW RICH, and, THE RICHEST MAN IN BABYLON.
Discover Peace of Mind

Is Romance a Form of Prostitution?

posted in: General (Tags: , , ) - No Comments

The ritual began….  Casual meeting with friends… A few phone calls… A little on-line chatting and emailing…   Do I want to date this woman, Elle? Does Ella want to date me?   Ask a few leading questions to sound her out, then suddenly she says,  ‘You know, I’m the old fashioned romantic type.   I like to be wined and dined’.   These words clarified things instantly.   However, I didn’t want to suddenly wine and dine.  Maybe a movie or a casual drink but not wining and dining to start.   Instantly, I knew we had a Values disagreement.   And, I still wasn’t sure that I wanted to go out with Ella  at all.

This situation reminded me of another, many years ago before I was able to Discover Peace of Mind.   A relationship I had been in for some time with Margaret was on shaky ground.  I was told quite clearly that there was to be ‘more romance’.   Guys quiver at the words.   I enquired, ‘Tell me what you think is romantic that doesn’t cost money?’   It seems that coughing and spluttering was about all that could be suggested by Margaret!   Now I’m sure we can all think of romantic things that don’t cost money, yet, everything  I suggested to Margaret was met with a shrug or a reply of ‘I have to clean the house’. It seems that chocolate in motels, wine, theatre and dinner trips were what was required.   Some kind of gift.

I spoke to Margaret  sometime later. We had gone our own way and met new people.   She eagerly told me that she now was with a man, Tommy, who ‘couldn’t live without her’ and so she ‘has to be with him’.   ‘Tommy buys me things.   I haven’t been treated better’.   After some questioning Margaret agreed that she really didn’t love Tommy deeply, more as a friend, yet, in her mind, that was balanced by the fact that Tommy ‘couldn’t live without her’.   I reminded Margaret that I used to say that to her too. Only then I had depression.   Clinginess and desperation are symptoms of depression and low self esteem.  

Constant gift buying is a compensation for low self esteem, as is the constant expectation of gifts.   

Margaret wanted. Tommy provided.    I wondered to myself, ‘Is this a form of prostitution?   Was he simply her ‘sugar daddy?  Is the rate negotiable?’   With the gift giving they seemed the perfect match.   Yet later, Margaret needed counselling.   Of course, she blamed me for ‘what I had done to her during our relationship’.   I asked Margaret that  if she was in a perfect relationship, and in control of her own mind, why blame me for her counselling?   Margaret said the counsellor said it was my fault.   I couldn’t imagine any counsellor allowing a client to deflect responsibility for their own thoughts. Or maybe she simply was using a friend as a counsellor.    Another sign of low self esteem is failure to accept responsibility for your own actions and thoughts.   Yep, it’s far easier to blame someone else!

So Margaret, like millions of people all over the world blame others for their lack of  ‘whatever’.   Tall poppy syndrome of sorts. Drag people down so you can have them below you. It seems easier than making yourself a better person.   It’s funny how many people know how to live someone else’s life, yet have trouble with their own.

In my current relationship with Dianne, I jumped at the chance to wine and dine.  Her desire to go out is based is simply to be outside, a picnic would have sufficed, or even a walk along the river.  Our first date was a nice French restaurant.   Now I mix things up a bit.   Flowers and chocolate, dinner out,  or maybe an unexpected foot massage during a cozy night with a DVD.   Even covering her shoulder with a blanket on a cold night or a ittle note for her to find.   When you are in a relationship, particularly a longer term one, it’s critical to remember to take some time to fulfil the Values of your partner, and them to fulfil yours.

 So, did I date Ella, the first woman I mentioned in this story?   No.   Neither or us was right or wrong, we just have different Values to each other.  Yet in my story, both Ella and Margaret’s Values demanded a need for a ‘gift-buying’ demonstration of love.  And therein lies the difference.   It’s in the ‘WHY’.        Maybe they need to Discover Peace of Mind.

Rodney Lovell

Love Moves Houses

posted in: General (Tags: , , ) - No Comments

Thousands of people move house every day.   Four weeks ago I was one of them.   Of course there is a wide range of reasons why people move. I moved for love.

Leaving my beloved home city of Melbourne, Victoria for the summer humidity of Brisbane, Queensland seems on face value to be a big step. However, this is the fourth Australian state I have lived in and so it’s not such a big deal.   Of course, one year ago I was in the snow of a Kabul winter which makes this my first Australian New Year’s summer in three years.

--Peace of Mind meets the challenge--

--Peace of Mind meets the challenge--

I had gone to Kabul for the love of  challenges. The opportunity had arisen after a culmination of events where I had rediscovered self-love. The type of self-love and self-respect that comes as part of discovering peace of mind.   Leaving Kabul was the same.  With experience gathered and knowledge gained, I again realised that there was more to life than living in a war zone.   Sometimes the enemies are obvious, other times the other ‘combatant’ doesn’t even realise  how dangerous they can be.   (Passive aggression is the ultimate in guerilla warfare. It smiles as it imposes it’s values and beliefs, sapping life, creating an invisible cage of depression.)

Expectation can also be  dangerous. Some years ago, I moved our family home closer to my daughter’s new school.   The educational opportunity that had arisen for my daughter was offset by the detriment of excessive travel.   So, well meaning and with immense love for her, we moved closer to her new school.   Unfortunately for my daughter, our eldest and therefore the ‘pioneer’ of the family, this meant a general expectation of high achieving results….for six long years.    There was no doubt she would have achieved at a high level nearly anywhere, but our move – for love – imposed an unwelcome burden on her.   It is interesting to reflect on those years, the love we had for her was immense, yet, the parental pressure of that move may not have demonstrated love.   Here is the paradox.   We loved her, using our values as a guide.   Like most teens, she had entered the socialisation period and had differing values.   It was our job to guide her,not expect to bend her to our will.    Looking back, she experienced our ‘loud’ aggression, but there was also passive aggression (also known as passive resistance) .    At the same time, her parents had a similar struggle with each other.   Often one parent used passive aggression to influence the dominate loud aggression of the other.   Like making the bullets for the other to fire.   Often one used overt aggression to dictate.   So it was a three way shuffle, with my daughter in the middle.  

Of course, this is just a small extract of life.   There were many happy times.   Yet, there could have been more, if only we all learnt to Discover Peace of Mind.  

Justification is another dangerous opponent.    As the previous short paragraph alludes, there was much fun and laughter in our home.   The previous short paragraph also runs the risk of simply dismissing any negative.   Just like the word “but”, justification is a wave that washes away all manner of sins, and, also removes any opportunity to learn.   I cherish our fun times, yet, I am acutely aware of the subtleties of negative influence on a growing child / adolescent.  

Once I discovered peace of mind, my ongoing love for my daughter allows her to have her own space, free to choose her own values and beliefs.   Many in her circle mock her choices, continuing to passively resist and impose their own values.   Generally speaking, the cage of external values imposed on another creates a ‘cage’. A set of boundaries and expectations that may not be agreed with.   This situation is often a trigger for depression.    Behind the imposed values are people saying ‘I love you – I tell you this for your own benefit’.    I see it as, ‘we have a different opinion and we will use subtle resistance to influence you to our beliefs’.  

When people see another’s ‘achievement’ as their own badge of honour, they can tell their friends of their connection to a ‘high achiever’.   Their bragging rights are dependant on their success in subtley influencing another person.     Yet there is another paradox….balanced achievement comes best from inner peace, not from external pressure. For when you truly Discover Peace of Mind, you can take on anything. …

…Like moving to another home. I now find myself in another relationship.   Both a new home and a new relationship were totally unexpected not so long ago.   Whether it be moving to a war zone for the challenge, or moving to another state for love, respect others values and most importantly, Discover Peace of Mind.

Rodney Lovell